Airing Fantasy Hockey Frustrations: Part 3-Arrivals and Departures

I never thought I was going to admit this, but here goes. I, writer/editor/illustrator of The Hurricane Siren and GM of Sutterly Camtastic, pulled a Brian Burke recently. No, I didn't start spouting bitter diatribes about truculence or steal someone's draft pick right out from underneath them. Instead I pushed the panic button (ok maybe "jumped on the panic button and then did a little tap dance on it" would be a better description), proclaimed myself to be the bus driver of this team and pushed people off the proverbial bus.

You see, I couldn't allow Sutterly Camtastic to go down in flames (at least not this early in the season!) so I did what I had to do. I dropped some underachievers, traded one very large disappointment and picked up a few promising new faces that I am sure will be the saviors of this team (there I go channeling Burke again-the man is like a bad disco song-you just can't get it out of your head). So let's meet the newbies shall we?

My first move was to pick up a player from the waiver wire. I was in desperate need of a LW who could score (or skate for that matter) and when I found out that everyone worth having was already taken, I opted to pick up Benoit Pouliot of Montreal. The 24 year old has put up 9 points in 18 GP which makes him more productive than...well the empty space that was on my roster. Good times are ahead I can just feel it. So welcome Benoit (or perhaps more appropriately Bienvenue Benoit), here's your jersey and your locker is over there next to Mason Raymond's...no don't worry that it says "Oshie :(" above it, he won't mind at all.

The next step I took was to shock the fantasy hockey world with a blockbuster trade. It went down like I imagine any NHL trade goes down-via Twitter with a lot of emoticons thrown in for good measure as I managed to convince a fellow GM (who shall remain nameless to protect his reputation and, let's face it, dignity) that Martin Brodeur was a valuable asset. HA! He even gave me something in return for Donut Hole! Well I mean I had to throw in Dustin Brown to sweeten the deal, but honestly just the reduction in mental trauma was worth it. Plus I was starting to run out of Marty Brodeur fat jokes.

But getting back on track here, I am pleased to announce that Sutterly Camtastic is officially more CAMTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes that's right our Campion Wardolie is now a member of Sutterly Camtastic, making the team name both quippy and factually accurate. :does happy dance: Mark Giordano also came over in the deal with his 8 points making him the team's leading scorer from the blueline. You know if I wasn't so Camtastically happy, I'd probably cry at that statistic. Despite a freakish resemblance to Mr. Bean (don't lie, you know you see it), I have high hopes for Giordano.


Last, but certainly not least, I regret to inform you that Sutterly Camtastic and Niklas Hjalmarsson have parted ways due to his poor performance. Oh yeah and the fact that I quickly got tired of trying to spell his name. In his place, we welcome 23 year old (yup they just keep getting younger) D-man Cody Franson who appears to have a promising season ahead of him. Well if not "promising", at least "less sucky than the rest of the D-core". See that kids? Being just barely better than your competition does, in fact, pay off.

After a brief moment of brilliance that propelled us up to 10th place, Sutterly Camtastic is once again in 14th place, a mere 61 points out of first place. Oh that sure is ugly, even uglier than Martin Brodeur at an all-you-can-eat buffet (guess I had one more joke in me afterall). But watch out Canes Country Rookies 2, Sutterly Camtastic is on its way up...to 13th!!!!

Airing Fantasy Hockey Frustrations-Part 2: Honeymoon's Over

When we first met Sutterly Camtastic, they were a wide-eyed (not quite floppy-haired, but close) bunch looking forward to all the excitement of the 2010-2011 season. They weren't the best team on paper, but they had heart and a strong work ethic; fans (and their GM) really believed they had a shot.

Now things are different. The shine has worn off, the new car smell is gone and the "coolest toy in the world!" is just another cheaply made chunk of plastic covered in paint. Fans (and the GM) have started to realize just what this team is capable of and it's not pretty. It's bad. In fact, it's "oh for the love of the hockey gods, I hope we manage to avoid last place" bad. If this was an actual team, we'd be talking about firing the coach and trading players. That panic button? Smashed to smithereens by fans WEEKS ago.

It should have been apparent that this was going to be a LONG season when Brian Campbell went on the IR before the season had even started.
Then Michael Cammalleri decided the preseason would be a great time to test out his professional wrestling career potential on El Nino and ended up sitting for the team's opener. Well it couldn't get any worse could it? Ha. Clearly you don't know me. Niklas Hjalmarsson then got to ride the pine in the press box for two games for a hit from behind on Jason Pominville. I'm officially petitioning to make "dumb life choices" a stat category for fantasy hockey because my players would have that category LOCKED up.

The dynamic offense I so lovingly crafted has produced 16 goals 18 assists for a grand total of 34 points. In 67 games played. That's .51 points per game. From an ENTIRE team. Oy. :reaches for the pack of Tums beside my GM chair: Patrick Kane is the team leader in points with 6 (which ironically enough is the number of hours he remained sober this summer). He's also rocking a pretty impressive -5, although he's going to have to try a little harder if he's going to keep up with teammate Niklas Hjalmarsson who's a -7. Dude. You certainly aren't contributing offensively so let's try and play some D every now and then ok?

Speaking of defense, I'm calling you out Tyler Myers. Tyler, seeing as how you're last year's Calder Trophy winner, I understand life is difficult for you. Reporters now want to talk to you after practice and games. Your teammates have all these lofty expectations. Women suddenly want to talk to you when you're out on the town. At age 20, you haven't quite grown into your limbs yet. Plus you're freakishly tall so at least 22% of your day must be spent trying to find clothes that fit you. I get it. But, I'm going to need something better than 2 points and a -7. Calder winners can still be dropped to the waiver wire. Just sayin'.

Speaker of the waiver wire, yo Donut Hole...what the heck is going on? Prior to last night's shutout (which seemed like a stroke of pure dumb luck) you were pretty bad. That 3.81 GAA was not pretty. I know New Jersey can only afford to put 5 people on the ice per game so things are rough. But when the going gets tough, you can't turn to large amounts of Kripsy Kremes and crawl into bed. Pull it together Marty, whatever it takes. Pretend the pucks are Ding Dongs. Or maybe you could make a deal with Dunkin' Donuts; for every save you make, you get a free Munchkin. I'm not picky.

Then to kind of top it all off, I have the misfortune to report that the Sutterly half of Sutterly Camtastic is likely injured. We finally have some sort of confirmation from John Forslund via Twitter that "Sutter does not appear to be at full strength. He did practice." In my expert opinion (HA!), I think this is all the result of that awkward fall in Vancouver and having bones with the same relative diameter as a toothpick. I'm thinking some sort of wrist injury is what we're dealing with. Ugh. Give me a moment to pull myself together. (For the record, that picture is not actually from this injury, but rather "the hit" from his rookie season. But the hurt in my heart is pretty much the same.)

Now if I've learned anything from being a hockey fan, it's that the Stanley Cup isn't won in October. On the flip side of that though is the knowledge that it can be lost in October. Now I'd hate to have to throw away all of the Sutterly Camtastic: 2010-2011 Fantasy Hockey Champs t-shirts I had made up (hey there was a really good promotion going on!) so I hope everyone can pull themselves together and hit mid-season (or just any season) form soon. If not... :reaches for bottle of Jack on table next to GM chair:

Airing Fantasy Hockey Frustrations Part 1-Meet the Team

The title is a bit of a misnomer since the fantasy hockey season hasn't started yet and I didn't draft anyone that was already on the IR or currently on waivers, but I can guarantee you at some point this season I will want to tear into a team not named the Carolina Hurricanes. Trust me, if half of your team is on the IR and you're sitting in dead last waiting for someone (ANYONE) to find their scoring touch, you'd lapse into a pithy diatribe too.

But for now, it's all about fresh starts and a great 2010-2011 season. Oh and a little trash talking to boot. So without further ado, I am pleased to present my 2010-2011 team, Sutterly Camtastic (don't lie, you know that's cute).

Let's start with an ode to the offense and meet our forwards.

We have: Peter Mueller, Michael Cammalleri, Mason Raymond, Dustin Brown, Radim Vrbata, Ryan Callahan, TJ Oshie, Patrick Kane, Brandon Sutter, and Mike Fisher.

They are projected to tally over 500 points combined so that's not too shabby; especially when you consider my blueline isn't exactly going to collect Norris nominations like Halloween candy (more on that later). I had Sutter, Raymond and Fisher last season so I sort of know what I am getting there, but the rest, including Vrbata's very far set eyes, (don't believe me? Google him) are a mystery to me. They are even moreso "unknowns" when you consider 6 out of the 10 are from the Western Conference which is almost a complete reversal from last season's Eastern Conference-palooza.

I had a chance to draft Captain Serious but went with the Magical Mullet instead if only to make mouthguard jokes later in the season. Because that's how I draft-which player is going to give me the best return in terms of "I can't stand you" jokes. And based on how much I like you; yeah that plays a big role. Speaking of which...if you thought for a second that I was going to pass on drafting Sutter (and his brand spanking new "A") despite the fact he was ranked in the high 400s, you're crazy. In fact, it took every ounce of strength I had to wait until the 10th round!

As an aside, do you have any idea how difficult it is to find a picture of Mike Fisher actually PLAYING hockey on Google images now? I think I went through 5 or 6 pages of results before I found one that didn't have his (much) better half in it.

So the offense isn't atrocious, but what about the defense? Who's going to patrol my fake blueline and protect my imaginary goalie? Let's take a gander at the few, the proud, the D core.


This group is clearly headlined by Calder Trophy winner Tyler Myers (another holdover from last season). I'm expecting big things from him; like REALLY big things. The rest of the group is ok...Brian Campbell, Shea Weber, rookie sensation in the making PK Subban and Niklas Hjalmarsson (yeah he needs a nickname ASAP because there is no way I'm going to be able to spell that ever again). I had some major issues drafting D this season, losing Duncan Keith and Jamie McBain to opponents. Then I just couldn't get past my dislike of the guy and passed on Chris Pronger which of course means he'll set new records for points from a D-man this season. :Sigh: We'll see. Hopefully Chicago puts up a lot of goals from the blueline this season.

Finally, we come to arguably the most important position...goaltending. This area KILLED me last season; I will forever maintain that it cost me the championship. So this year I wasn't going to wait until the 4th or 5th round to draft a goalie. I had my eyes set on Ryan Miller and when I saw I had the 6th pick, figured I had a pretty good shot of getting him. But you know what they say about the best laid plans...

I know what you're thinking. Yes that is Marty Brodeur there in the middle. Yes the same Brodeur that I make fun of mercilessly. Yes the one I call fat and said cries tears of donut glaze. But I couldn't have a repeat of last season! I needed a legit goalie badly. And as much as I like making fun of him, he is a legit goalie and I took him in the first round.

I know that I've probably angered the hockey gods with my many Brodeur-Fat Jokes and that they will delight in unleashing their fury upon me, but I am making this promise in an attempt at reconcilliation:

Oh dear merciful hockey gods, I do solemnly swear that I will no longer mock, tease or belittle one Martin Brodeur if you allow him to be a brick wall for my fantasy team this year. I will show him the respect he deserves.

Phew I hope that works. Now in addition to donut hole...oh crap...uhhhh I mean in addition to the honorable donut hole I snagged Jaroslav Halak in the third round. Then I had a flashback to the horror that was my GAA last season, decided I needed a THIRD goalie and grabbed Scott Clemmensen in the 17th round. Frankly, I doubt the guy ever touches virtual ice, but maybe I can work him into a trade later. Or leave him to languish on the "bench" which, let's be honest, he's pretty used to doing.

So there you have it: the good, the bad and the ugly. It's bound to be an interesting (and humor filled) fantasy hockey season to say the least.

We like you! We really like you!

Break out the tuxes gentlemen! Write your acceptance speeches! We are giving out awards here at the Siren to the best and the worst of the Carolina Hurricanes!

Ok so this is a little low rent and there won't be any actual trophies given away, not even the mini ones the NHL gives out. And we certainly aren't lucky enough to have Chaka Khan or Robin Thicke entertain us, but we did manage to convince (read blackmailed) Kris Versteeg to sing Fergie!

:wipes away a tear of laughter: No one tell him this is the Hurricanes' awards ceremony ok? I'd hate to clean up the green room after he realizes what just happened.

Let's get started shall we? The first award tonight is in the Best Post-Game Quotes category. This award is given to the player or coach who best exemplifies humility, humor and self-deprecation to the point of hilarity during a post-game media scrum. Previous winners include Tim Gleason and well...Tim Gleason. This year, however, we are pleased to announce that Manny Legace takes the hardware back to the Shire. Quotes like: "oh yeah I got hit right in the love pillows" and "Well, when you're five foot nothing, you have to use all of your assests" made him the clear favorite from the moment he stepped foot on NC soil. Congratulations Manny!

The Toughest Player award is given to the player that is well...the toughest (sometimes a donkey is just a donkey people). We've been witness to some remarkable moments of strength this season, but one night in Washington, D.C. will always stand out to Hurricanes' fans.

Tim Gleason, we salute you and are proud to give you the Toughest Player award!

Sometimes things happen to force fate's hand. Perhaps we would have added this award anyway, but it'd be hard to argue that the winner didn't help things along. So without further ado, I present the award for Best Facial Expression. The winner showed a dedication and determination to strange and awkward facial expressions, but Eric Staal's baby bird face from the Olympics sealed the deal for him:

Without a goalie where would any hockey team be? This award salutes those few men crazy enough to strap on a pillow and block 100 mph shots with their bodies. The award for Best Save has previously been won by Michael Leighton and Cam Ward. I am pleased to announce that our Campion Wardolie is a repeat winner this year for this Camtastic save on Billy Guerin:

Honorable mention goes to this pinwheel save on Brian Gionta.

Speaking of netminders, it's time to present quite possibly the most frightening award of the evening. The Best Tripp Tracy Moment category always has great entries and this year was no exception. In fact it was so full of Tripp awesomeness that we almost had to name two winners, but after some careful thought and consideration of all that is Tripp we are pleased to announce that Tripp and Zach Boychuk's intermission exchange during a game against Pittsburgh wins the category.

Tripp: Having been selected 15th in the entry draft...
Zach: 14th Tripp.
Tripp: Blah blah blah
Zach: It was 14th Tripp.
Tripp: Err ummm what? Oh yes, 14th.

Thank you for that moment young Zach. I sense that many more great Tripp Tracy interactions are ahead of you. Godspeed Zach.

The Best New Regular award is for the player we can no longer imagine our team without. This player can come to us through trade or as a call-up from the AHL. This year, it was the latter. When you are called "the defining player in our lineup" by your coach, wear the A, and basically become the top defensive forward all while racking up only 2 PIMs at 21 years old, you've pretty much locked this award up. Congratulations to Brandon Sutter for his outstanding season!

The next award is the highly coveted Best Goal award presented to the player whose moment of offensive brillance left us breathless and left the opposing goalie sputtering in disbelief. We've had some really great goals this season, but there is one that stands out above all the rest. Please congratulate Chad LaRose on his mid-air goal against the Montreal Canadiens.

You have a gift my little friend.

You can't score a goal without a little help from your friends and sometimes those assists are prettier than the actual goal. The Best Assist category is intended for just those moments. This year's winner showed that you don't have to be 22 years old to have sick moves.

Yeah Brandon. WOW is right. Rock on little mighty mite.

We were lucky enough to get a glimpse of the future of the Carolina Hurricanes and let me say that the future is so bright we're going to need shades. And with that really corny intro, I am pleased to announce the winner of the Brightest Future award is....Jamie McBain. The 22 year old Minnesota born D-man definitely made a lasting impression on fans around the league with his defensive poise and offensive abilities. He is going to be pleasure to watch for a long time.

For some reason hockey and fighting go hand in hand. There's nothing like a good fight to bring a crowd back to life or swing the momentum in a game. It's for this reason that we present the Best Fighter award every year. Previous winners have pretty much only ever been Tim Gleason. And this year is no exception. Check out this beauty:

Our final two awards are perhaps the most highly anticipated thing since Martin Brodeur's post game extra large pizza. :pause for ripples of awkward laughter:

Alrighty then...the Fan Favorite award goes to the player whose personality off the ice and play on the ice inspires fans to chant his name, buy his jersey and support him at all times. There was really only ever going to be one nominee for this award, but like the Edmonton Oilers, we still had to go through the motions of the entire season. Please join me in congratulating Tuomo Ruutu for his efforts this season!!! The smiley Finn always managed to put on a brave face for the media and fans, but really even if he wasn't smiling, listening to him speak made us smile. His refusal to give anything less than 100% inspired his teammates and his fans. The RBC Center has been Ruu-ing since he arrived in Raleigh and we don't want to stop anytime soon.

Last, but certainly not least, is the Team MVP award which goes to a player who has been deemed to make the most significant contributions to his team. Past winners have included Cam Ward and Ray Whitney. This year, a first time nominee is bringing home the honor. I am pleased to announce that our winner, with a career high 65 points and an unmatched ability to mesh with anyone and everyone, is Jussi Jokinen!!!!
That does it for the ceremony and like all of the best awards shows, we only ran 45 minutes late and had just 2 awkward moments. Congratulations to all winners this evening and remember that while only some of you are leaving with imaginary trophies, there really are no losers here. Well except for A.Ward who is probably still waiting for his invitation to come in the mail. Ok so make that three awkward moments.

It's a hockey miracle!!!!

Suddenly the Canadian powerhouse is just a big old pile of rubble. The rag tag bunch of second tier NHL players from the ol' US of A beat the hometown favorites in a 5-3 game that held more emotion, passion and power than any regular season NHL game (and a lot of playoff games) I've ever seen.

But they say a picture is worth a thousand words, so why don't we let the pictures do the talking?

Tee hee. In all seriousness, I almost feel bad for Brodeur. Note I said almost which means a donut joke is not out of the question, but I want to be considered a gracious winner so I will resist.

It's ok Eric. Most of America can't believe it either. :) Although I will go ahead and give you props on your goal and trying to make it easier for America by taking out some of your own teammates. Dude...focus and I don't mean on duck hunting.

No words are necessary. None.

My oh my. That place sure did empty oot quickly eh?

Ok so I couldn't resist the donut joke. I'm sorry. I'm weak...very much like a certain team's...oh never mind, that's almost as easy as scoring on Canada. Thank you ladies and gentlemen, I'll be here all week. Try the veal.

Congratulations goes out to all the members of Team USA for giving us one heck of an Olympic memory. USA!! USA!! USA!!