Airing Fantasy Hockey Frustrations: Part 3-Arrivals and Departures

I never thought I was going to admit this, but here goes. I, writer/editor/illustrator of The Hurricane Siren and GM of Sutterly Camtastic, pulled a Brian Burke recently. No, I didn't start spouting bitter diatribes about truculence or steal someone's draft pick right out from underneath them. Instead I pushed the panic button (ok maybe "jumped on the panic button and then did a little tap dance on it" would be a better description), proclaimed myself to be the bus driver of this team and pushed people off the proverbial bus.

You see, I couldn't allow Sutterly Camtastic to go down in flames (at least not this early in the season!) so I did what I had to do. I dropped some underachievers, traded one very large disappointment and picked up a few promising new faces that I am sure will be the saviors of this team (there I go channeling Burke again-the man is like a bad disco song-you just can't get it out of your head). So let's meet the newbies shall we?

My first move was to pick up a player from the waiver wire. I was in desperate need of a LW who could score (or skate for that matter) and when I found out that everyone worth having was already taken, I opted to pick up Benoit Pouliot of Montreal. The 24 year old has put up 9 points in 18 GP which makes him more productive than...well the empty space that was on my roster. Good times are ahead I can just feel it. So welcome Benoit (or perhaps more appropriately Bienvenue Benoit), here's your jersey and your locker is over there next to Mason Raymond's...no don't worry that it says "Oshie :(" above it, he won't mind at all.

The next step I took was to shock the fantasy hockey world with a blockbuster trade. It went down like I imagine any NHL trade goes down-via Twitter with a lot of emoticons thrown in for good measure as I managed to convince a fellow GM (who shall remain nameless to protect his reputation and, let's face it, dignity) that Martin Brodeur was a valuable asset. HA! He even gave me something in return for Donut Hole! Well I mean I had to throw in Dustin Brown to sweeten the deal, but honestly just the reduction in mental trauma was worth it. Plus I was starting to run out of Marty Brodeur fat jokes.

But getting back on track here, I am pleased to announce that Sutterly Camtastic is officially more CAMTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes that's right our Campion Wardolie is now a member of Sutterly Camtastic, making the team name both quippy and factually accurate. :does happy dance: Mark Giordano also came over in the deal with his 8 points making him the team's leading scorer from the blueline. You know if I wasn't so Camtastically happy, I'd probably cry at that statistic. Despite a freakish resemblance to Mr. Bean (don't lie, you know you see it), I have high hopes for Giordano.


Last, but certainly not least, I regret to inform you that Sutterly Camtastic and Niklas Hjalmarsson have parted ways due to his poor performance. Oh yeah and the fact that I quickly got tired of trying to spell his name. In his place, we welcome 23 year old (yup they just keep getting younger) D-man Cody Franson who appears to have a promising season ahead of him. Well if not "promising", at least "less sucky than the rest of the D-core". See that kids? Being just barely better than your competition does, in fact, pay off.

After a brief moment of brilliance that propelled us up to 10th place, Sutterly Camtastic is once again in 14th place, a mere 61 points out of first place. Oh that sure is ugly, even uglier than Martin Brodeur at an all-you-can-eat buffet (guess I had one more joke in me afterall). But watch out Canes Country Rookies 2, Sutterly Camtastic is on its way up...to 13th!!!!

Airing Fantasy Hockey Frustrations-Part 2: Honeymoon's Over

When we first met Sutterly Camtastic, they were a wide-eyed (not quite floppy-haired, but close) bunch looking forward to all the excitement of the 2010-2011 season. They weren't the best team on paper, but they had heart and a strong work ethic; fans (and their GM) really believed they had a shot.

Now things are different. The shine has worn off, the new car smell is gone and the "coolest toy in the world!" is just another cheaply made chunk of plastic covered in paint. Fans (and the GM) have started to realize just what this team is capable of and it's not pretty. It's bad. In fact, it's "oh for the love of the hockey gods, I hope we manage to avoid last place" bad. If this was an actual team, we'd be talking about firing the coach and trading players. That panic button? Smashed to smithereens by fans WEEKS ago.

It should have been apparent that this was going to be a LONG season when Brian Campbell went on the IR before the season had even started.
Then Michael Cammalleri decided the preseason would be a great time to test out his professional wrestling career potential on El Nino and ended up sitting for the team's opener. Well it couldn't get any worse could it? Ha. Clearly you don't know me. Niklas Hjalmarsson then got to ride the pine in the press box for two games for a hit from behind on Jason Pominville. I'm officially petitioning to make "dumb life choices" a stat category for fantasy hockey because my players would have that category LOCKED up.

The dynamic offense I so lovingly crafted has produced 16 goals 18 assists for a grand total of 34 points. In 67 games played. That's .51 points per game. From an ENTIRE team. Oy. :reaches for the pack of Tums beside my GM chair: Patrick Kane is the team leader in points with 6 (which ironically enough is the number of hours he remained sober this summer). He's also rocking a pretty impressive -5, although he's going to have to try a little harder if he's going to keep up with teammate Niklas Hjalmarsson who's a -7. Dude. You certainly aren't contributing offensively so let's try and play some D every now and then ok?

Speaking of defense, I'm calling you out Tyler Myers. Tyler, seeing as how you're last year's Calder Trophy winner, I understand life is difficult for you. Reporters now want to talk to you after practice and games. Your teammates have all these lofty expectations. Women suddenly want to talk to you when you're out on the town. At age 20, you haven't quite grown into your limbs yet. Plus you're freakishly tall so at least 22% of your day must be spent trying to find clothes that fit you. I get it. But, I'm going to need something better than 2 points and a -7. Calder winners can still be dropped to the waiver wire. Just sayin'.

Speaker of the waiver wire, yo Donut Hole...what the heck is going on? Prior to last night's shutout (which seemed like a stroke of pure dumb luck) you were pretty bad. That 3.81 GAA was not pretty. I know New Jersey can only afford to put 5 people on the ice per game so things are rough. But when the going gets tough, you can't turn to large amounts of Kripsy Kremes and crawl into bed. Pull it together Marty, whatever it takes. Pretend the pucks are Ding Dongs. Or maybe you could make a deal with Dunkin' Donuts; for every save you make, you get a free Munchkin. I'm not picky.

Then to kind of top it all off, I have the misfortune to report that the Sutterly half of Sutterly Camtastic is likely injured. We finally have some sort of confirmation from John Forslund via Twitter that "Sutter does not appear to be at full strength. He did practice." In my expert opinion (HA!), I think this is all the result of that awkward fall in Vancouver and having bones with the same relative diameter as a toothpick. I'm thinking some sort of wrist injury is what we're dealing with. Ugh. Give me a moment to pull myself together. (For the record, that picture is not actually from this injury, but rather "the hit" from his rookie season. But the hurt in my heart is pretty much the same.)

Now if I've learned anything from being a hockey fan, it's that the Stanley Cup isn't won in October. On the flip side of that though is the knowledge that it can be lost in October. Now I'd hate to have to throw away all of the Sutterly Camtastic: 2010-2011 Fantasy Hockey Champs t-shirts I had made up (hey there was a really good promotion going on!) so I hope everyone can pull themselves together and hit mid-season (or just any season) form soon. If not... :reaches for bottle of Jack on table next to GM chair: