Airing Fantasy Hockey Frustrations Part 1-Meet the Team

The title is a bit of a misnomer since the fantasy hockey season hasn't started yet and I didn't draft anyone that was already on the IR or currently on waivers, but I can guarantee you at some point this season I will want to tear into a team not named the Carolina Hurricanes. Trust me, if half of your team is on the IR and you're sitting in dead last waiting for someone (ANYONE) to find their scoring touch, you'd lapse into a pithy diatribe too.

But for now, it's all about fresh starts and a great 2010-2011 season. Oh and a little trash talking to boot. So without further ado, I am pleased to present my 2010-2011 team, Sutterly Camtastic (don't lie, you know that's cute).

Let's start with an ode to the offense and meet our forwards.

We have: Peter Mueller, Michael Cammalleri, Mason Raymond, Dustin Brown, Radim Vrbata, Ryan Callahan, TJ Oshie, Patrick Kane, Brandon Sutter, and Mike Fisher.

They are projected to tally over 500 points combined so that's not too shabby; especially when you consider my blueline isn't exactly going to collect Norris nominations like Halloween candy (more on that later). I had Sutter, Raymond and Fisher last season so I sort of know what I am getting there, but the rest, including Vrbata's very far set eyes, (don't believe me? Google him) are a mystery to me. They are even moreso "unknowns" when you consider 6 out of the 10 are from the Western Conference which is almost a complete reversal from last season's Eastern Conference-palooza.

I had a chance to draft Captain Serious but went with the Magical Mullet instead if only to make mouthguard jokes later in the season. Because that's how I draft-which player is going to give me the best return in terms of "I can't stand you" jokes. And based on how much I like you; yeah that plays a big role. Speaking of which...if you thought for a second that I was going to pass on drafting Sutter (and his brand spanking new "A") despite the fact he was ranked in the high 400s, you're crazy. In fact, it took every ounce of strength I had to wait until the 10th round!

As an aside, do you have any idea how difficult it is to find a picture of Mike Fisher actually PLAYING hockey on Google images now? I think I went through 5 or 6 pages of results before I found one that didn't have his (much) better half in it.

So the offense isn't atrocious, but what about the defense? Who's going to patrol my fake blueline and protect my imaginary goalie? Let's take a gander at the few, the proud, the D core.


This group is clearly headlined by Calder Trophy winner Tyler Myers (another holdover from last season). I'm expecting big things from him; like REALLY big things. The rest of the group is ok...Brian Campbell, Shea Weber, rookie sensation in the making PK Subban and Niklas Hjalmarsson (yeah he needs a nickname ASAP because there is no way I'm going to be able to spell that ever again). I had some major issues drafting D this season, losing Duncan Keith and Jamie McBain to opponents. Then I just couldn't get past my dislike of the guy and passed on Chris Pronger which of course means he'll set new records for points from a D-man this season. :Sigh: We'll see. Hopefully Chicago puts up a lot of goals from the blueline this season.

Finally, we come to arguably the most important position...goaltending. This area KILLED me last season; I will forever maintain that it cost me the championship. So this year I wasn't going to wait until the 4th or 5th round to draft a goalie. I had my eyes set on Ryan Miller and when I saw I had the 6th pick, figured I had a pretty good shot of getting him. But you know what they say about the best laid plans...

I know what you're thinking. Yes that is Marty Brodeur there in the middle. Yes the same Brodeur that I make fun of mercilessly. Yes the one I call fat and said cries tears of donut glaze. But I couldn't have a repeat of last season! I needed a legit goalie badly. And as much as I like making fun of him, he is a legit goalie and I took him in the first round.

I know that I've probably angered the hockey gods with my many Brodeur-Fat Jokes and that they will delight in unleashing their fury upon me, but I am making this promise in an attempt at reconcilliation:

Oh dear merciful hockey gods, I do solemnly swear that I will no longer mock, tease or belittle one Martin Brodeur if you allow him to be a brick wall for my fantasy team this year. I will show him the respect he deserves.

Phew I hope that works. Now in addition to donut hole...oh crap...uhhhh I mean in addition to the honorable donut hole I snagged Jaroslav Halak in the third round. Then I had a flashback to the horror that was my GAA last season, decided I needed a THIRD goalie and grabbed Scott Clemmensen in the 17th round. Frankly, I doubt the guy ever touches virtual ice, but maybe I can work him into a trade later. Or leave him to languish on the "bench" which, let's be honest, he's pretty used to doing.

So there you have it: the good, the bad and the ugly. It's bound to be an interesting (and humor filled) fantasy hockey season to say the least.

Holy Moly What Do We Do Without Our Goalie?!

In probably the least surprising moment of the year thus far, the Canes dropped their 12th in a row to Columbus last night. But no one is talking about that today. Instead everyone is insanely concerned about the fate of our Campion Wardolie who was taken to the hospital after getting cut by Rick Nash's skate. Calamity Cam remains in the hospital and is out for, as JR put it, a "fairly long period of time." Ouch. My heart hurts.

Let us all take a moment to offer a prayer to the hockey gods (or the diety of your choice) for Cam's speedy recovery.

Ahem
Dear merciful and benevolent hockey gods,
I would like to apologize on behalf of all Canes' fans for our blatant disregard of your power and excellence. We shouldn't have cursed you when things didn't go our team's way. We had no right to complain when we lost guys to injury and suspension. How dare we assume we were going to excel this year? That is for you and you alone to decide. We admit we've sinned and we will do anything to repent for these mistakes. If there is anything I can do personally to right this wrong, just send me a sign. I will no longer make fun of E.Staal. I will call Creepie by his real name. I will stop making suggestive comments about Tripp's preferences. But please for the love of Gretzky, give us Cam back. We will never again take him for granted nor shall we question your power over the hockey world if you will give us this one small bit of hope. Amen.

As bad as the Cam in the hospital thing is, what may be even worse is that the fate of goaltending for the Carolina Hurricanes is in the hands of one Michael Leighton. Dear god. Is it too early to cue the locusts and the 7 horsemen? No? Ok I didn't think so. Now to be fair to Leights, he did do admirably well during Cam's absence last season, but that was a much shorter period of time and with a much less fragile hockey club. This is a horse of a different color and it's an ugly one. Leighton is inheriting a mess of a team that usually looks to Cam to be their saving grace. Sadly, I'm not entirely convinced that Leighton has the ability to deal with that situation. And neither Justin Peters nor Mike Murphy are ready to make the leap to NHL level goalie.

So, other than crying (and possibly some heavy drinking-NOTE I am not condoning alcoholism!) what do we do? Should Tripper come out of the press box and mind the nets again? Because I don't know if you knew this, but Tripp used to be a goaltender. Yup that's right, The Hurricane Siren-breaking news first. ;) Should Tommy B. come out of retirement and trade designer suits for Nike-Bauer pads? As fun as both of those options would be, I don't think they're all that realistic. And it's a shame because I had even figured out the perfect tagline John could use when Tripp made a big save-"and the little leprechaun snatches back his lucky charms!" Hehehe. Err...Tripp, I apologize, that was mean and largely uncalled for.

So back to the real world here...I could see one of two things happening.
Option 1-JR could do nothing and let Leighton fend for himself with guest appearances from Peters and Murphy as needed. This idea has some merit to it. The season is all but done (let's be honest here people-a MIRACLE would need to occur for this team to pull themselves out of the basement and we may have used up all of our miracles last season) and to make a desperate move to lock up a goaltender may do more harm than good. Why not let Leights earn his paycheck and prove whether he should be resigned next year or not? Is it really going to hurt our standings that much? FYI-we are in dead bang last so the answer is probably NO.

Option 2-JR could make one last ditch effort to get this team together and start their push for...29th? Ahhh...this appeasing the hockey gods thing isn't working so well for me today. He could trade for a current NHL goalie or bring someone in who doesn't have a team right now. Some suggestions-Manny Legace, Manny Fernandez or Kevin Weekes (JR LOVES TO RECYCLE!). I would still expect someone to get traded even if JR signed an out of work goalie. We are so close to the cap as it is that I don't think there would be room for anyone else (unless they are willing to work for delicious RBCC hotdogs and pulled pork sandwiches in which case-get them to Raleigh NOW).

Regardless of what happens with the goalie situation (Cam-heal like you've never healed before please) the rest of the team is going to need to step it up starting with the d-men. Cam will no longer be there to save their collective hineys and they cannot leave Leights hanging out to dry because he will fold like well...like wet laundry. And I think the D core goes the way of Timmy Gleason which leads me to my final thought for the day. I would like to officially endorse the Tim Gleason for Emperor campaign. Give that man a permanent A. Put him on the fast track for Captain. Heck maybe he and Sutter can co-coach the team while they're at it. (Thanks to Jenniwa30 for the picture.)