A House of Horrors

Things are bad in Raleigh; in fact, there may not be words strong enough to describe how bad they actually are. This would be a perfect time for a classic rant. However, I’m not going to rant because it will be ugly and feelings will get hurt. People will sulk and refuse to sit next to me at lunch. Team morale will suffer and since it’s already almost nonexistent, I’m just going to leave the rant for later. But fair warning-if this losing streak reaches double digits, there WILL be ranting. And everyone will be fair game, even Leights.

So instead of a rant, I’m going to write little inspirational notes utilizing the compliment sandwich theory (compliment-bad thing-compliment) for each player. Maybe they can put them up in their lockers or tape them to the bathroom mirror; whatever it takes. And I’m off…

Dear Calamity Cam,
Good thing-you are singlehandedly keeping your team in most of these games. Bad thing-ummm…oh I’ve got one. You need to stay in the net-there were some bad puckhandling moments last night, let’s stop those. Good thing-you’re super adorable. Wait, what? I can’t use that one? Oh fine, I’ll pick something else. Your shootout skills have improved something fierce. Keep it up.

Dear E.Staal,
Oh this one’s going to be tough. Good thing-your practice with the Capital City Crew was really cute and you showed some real personality. Bad thing-I don’t even know where to start…let’s go with your play during actual games. Yeah that sums it up pretty well. Oh and you’ve racked up 34 penalty minutes. Temper tantrums are never pretty, even Parker knows that and he’s only a few months old. And neither is whatever this is. >>>>
Good thing-you’re a new dad and there will always be someone who thinks you’re the best even when fans want to kill you.

Dear A.Ward,
Good thing-you seriously upped the team’s hottie quotient when you got traded here. Bad thing-you have looked like a fool multiple times the past few games; you’re second on the team for worst +/- with a -6. Dude…what's up with that? I thought you were supposed to be a jedi master of defense. Oh I need another good thing huh? Good thing-you umm…block shots?

Dear Sammy,
Oh Sammy. Good thing…this is tough. Oh wait, I’ve got one. You obviously have paid your debt to the hockey gods and are no longer getting called for phantom penalties. YAY! Bad thing-so many to choose from. You’re a team worst -7, won’t shoot (don’t be Joni, please) even if your life depended on it and stickhandle yourself into turnover after turnover. Good thing-I really like you when you wear your glasses. Super cute. Yes I know, that’s a weak one, but come on…

Dear Timmy,
Good thing-you are our best fighter hands down and have registered some assists already. Bad thing-you’re hurt and we need you; plus our hottie quotient took a HUGE dip now that you’re in the press box. Good thing-We really really really miss you. Which is more than we could say for some of your teammates.

Dear Ruu,
Good thing-your fans still love you. We will still RUUUUUU and defend you against crazy people who think you and your brother are the same person. Bad thing-this suspension thing is kind of a detriment to the team and you screwed up royally. Good thing-there is only one more game left in your punishment and then you’ll be back!

Dear E.Cole,
Good thing-ummm...well that game you played was good. :shrugs: Bad thing-E.Staal really misses his human security blanket and while you are an exceptionally fast healer, you need to pop a few extra vitamin D supplements because he’s going downhill fast. Good thing-your birthday is coming up soon! Maybe we could celebrate the big 3-1 with a big win over Toronto? Please?

Dear Scotty,
Good thing-you are leading the team in +/- with a +6. Dude...how in the name of god are you a +6? You are the only + on the whole team. Kudos man, kudos. Bad thing-you still don’t have your teeth in during the games, which is totally cool. Except that when they show you on the bench spitting water through a 4 inch gap, I end up with nightmares. Good thing-you have the entire fanbase rooting for you and your family. We want to get you that Cup.

Dear Roddy,
Good thing-you’re only a -3. Last season at this time you were like a -42 so that’s a step in the right direction. Bad thing-you’re all over the board when it comes to FO%. That’s your thing man. Don’t let it go. Good thing-you have looked good so far. Faster, more agile, and you knocked the “kids” out of the water during fitness testing. Rod the Bod has returned.


Dear Creepie (aka Joni-I told you these were personalized),
Good thing-you’re shooting a little more which is nice. Bad thing-you’re Creepie. Do I really need to go into detail? Yes? Ok fine. You float during practice and during games. You can’t skate without touching your nose with your tongue. It’s weird Joni. Good thing-your chemistry with your fellow Finns is still there which makes another Shock at the Rock a constant possibility.

Dear Harrison and TKO,
Sorry you don’t get separate ones, but you’re almost the same person in my mind-do something to stand out. Grow a Mike Commodore ‘fro. Show up to games in a full on pink suit. Refuse to answer to anything other than “McLovin”. I don’t know. Something, anything. Good thing-Harrison, you took Patty Eaves’s number and his spot on my imaginary Gillette Razor Line. He left a teacup sized hole and you are filling it nicely. Bad thing-turnovers. Good thing-TKO’s name provides us with endless funny and derogatory nickname possibilities.

Dear Albe,
Good thing-you are HUGE. Tripp will finally be able to use that word properly. Bad thing-you’re a tad slow in the skating department, which is bad because hockey is played on ice. Good thing-you’re helping the hottie quotient. Protect that face dude, it’s your ticket into the good graces of the female fans.

Dear Ray,
Good thing-your little body lasted 1000+ games! Whoop whoop! Bad thing-you still refuse to hit anyone. Is it written into your contract or something? Good thing-you are seriously one of the only offensive tools we’ve got going right now. So thank you.

Dear Yelle,
Good thing-you cleared waivers and get to stay with a team that doesn’t really want you. Oh wait...I guess that’s more of a bad thing. Ummm...you’re an even +/- which is pretty hard to come by on this team. Bad thing-well you were put on waivers so that should say something right there. Good thing-you like to block shots. And most of our guys are made of glass so that’s always appreciated.

Dear Chad and Matt,
Yes you guys get a joint message too. Mainly because you seem to be glued at the hip. Good thing-you have some serious PK chemistry that is a thing of beauty when it’s clicking. Bad thing-7 points and a -8 between the two of you. Ouch. Oh and you get a major penalty for inflicting the hot tub story on all of us. Good thing-you are generally one of the highlights of the Ask the Canes segments.

Dear Jussi,
Good thing-you picked up where you left off during the postseason. YAY! Bad thing-a -5 is never pretty. Good thing-you are like a cross between the Jonster and Ruutu which is great for people who want more Finn than Ruutu provides, but less Finn than what Joni breaks out.

Dear Jose Cuervo,
Good thing-you are slowly morphing into our PP pointman and the Corvo Cannon is gaining a reputation. Bad thing-you miss the net more times than you hit it. AIM. Good thing-ummmm...I’m scared of you. Your moodiness and tattoos scream “stay away from me” so I will.



Dear Conboy,
Good thing-your roster photo is actually pretty nice this year. Bad thing-your fighting skills still leave something to be desired. Good thing-you take some of the pressure off of Timmy and Scotty in that department. Oh one more bad thing-don’t start ill-timed fights again. Mo doesn’t like it.

Dear Nicky,
Good thing-3 assists and only a -2? Rock on dude. We may just get you in an ASG yet. Bad thing-you get lost a lot. Which lets the other team score. That makes Cam angry which makes me sad. Good thing-you haven't missed a game yet which is pretty impressive for you. Keep taking those multivitamins.

Dear Leights,
Good thing-your new hat looks really nice and you’re doing a great job opening and closing the door to the bench. Bad thing-ummm...you could cheer a little harder I guess. Good thing-you are without a doubt one of the nicest guys on the team. Keep working hard during practice, supporting your teammates and throwing pucks to the little kids. It makes me like you.

Now who am I forgetting....oh that’s right!

Dear Brandon,
Good thing-you’re here! The weather in Raleigh has got to be nicer than Albany this time of year (or really at any point in the year). I’m thinking that the locker room is nicer and so are the travel arrangements. Bad thing-a minus 3 in only two games isn’t so hot little buddy. Good thing-did I mention you’re here? Oh I did. You’ve played really well and are outshining some of the vets. Oh and you don’t even fall over during faceoffs anymore. Plus you’re ADORABLE. And I can’t resist adorable.